Something.

Everyone has that one person that they always go back to. And each time, they swear it’s different and they’re done for good. But they aren’t. They wish they were, but the thing is, they can’t be. Because that person they keep going back to, they can’t be completely happy without them.

I still remember the day, the moment him and I really ‘connected’. I had never felt what I did that night, before. And I have no words to describe it. Chemistry. An attraction that cannot be explained or qualified. I’m eighteen and alright, it might not have been love. I don’t really care at this point. Put whatever name tag you want to attach to it, all that I know is that it made me happy. He accepts the both sides of me. The whole me. I did feel butterflies in my stomach; I did feel weak in my legs whenever I saw him. Isn’t that how authors of romance books describe love as? So why should I walk away from this?

A few weeks passed by and everything was fine. I remember feeling light headed, as if nothing could ever take him away from me. I felt as if I was high on some kind of drug, one that I had never encountered before. I automatically smiled whenever I saw him; I always had this strong desire to hug him oh-so-tightly and never let go; I wanted to sit on his lap and kiss him, and stay in the moment. I allowed myself to be completely engulfed by him, by the connection that we had. It was the best feeling in the world. How could one ever possibly let that go? 

When you loved someone, you put their needs before your own. No matter how inconceivable those needs were; no matter how fucked up; no matter how much it made you feel like you were ripping yourself into pieces. ▬Jodi Picoult

One evening he called me. He asked me when we could meet up to talk about something. Something. I couldn’t really tell whether he was nervous or sad by the tone of his voice. But I remember thinking about what it could be, about the worst case scenarios. For the week that followed, I pushed him around trying to get something out of him, but he insisted that we talk face to face. We waited and waited then one day, he finally gave in. Worst case scenarios; I replayed them all in my head as I stood in front of him and waited for whatever he had to say. When he did, it wasn't just in my head anymore. As he spoke out and uttered those three words, I swear I had ever felt this heartbroken before. The worst case scenario. 

For weeks, I did what I do best - avoiding him. I was still digesting the news. And even if I had already imagined this situation in my head before, I was never really prepared to deal with it. He had someone new in his life now. And it was obvious that she was special to him. I knew then, that everything was going to be different. I guess we tried to get pass that. I didn’t try to avoid the subject although I really wanted to. Yes, I talked about it to make it look like I wasn’t hurting. But I was. Like hell.

I remember how one evening he gave me a call at the most random time of the day. It was the weekend before he told me about her. By then, she already formed part of his life. Yeah, I remember talking to him that Sunday evening. He sounded so happy and I asked him why; “for no reason” he told me. Well, now I know. And thinking about how ecstatic he was, it just makes my heart ache even more. Not because she was now part of his life, but because SHE managed to give him that joy, not me.

I see a man who thinks he has fallen in love with a woman when, in reality, he’s in love with the idea of her. He’s in love with this perfect, elusive person he has built up in his mind. But, when he finally gets the real thing — when the girl lets him close enough to really see her, when she lets him in — he loses interest. When he sees her with all her dimensions, her black outlines and solid shapes… things change. He liked chasing the dream, not her.I guess there was this part of me that always thought that we had a chance. That maybe someday, we could live a happy life; that we could run away and be together; that we could buy a house away from the crowd; that we would make love all night, every night. Yes, I had my hopes up after our ‘connection’. I thought he'd be the last one I'd say the three words to. I wanted him to be the last one. But her? I can’t compete with her, how could I? The only option I had left was to watch my hopes fall down as I move on with my life. Just like in chemistry, some elements come together and create a reaction that cannot be reversed. The transcend chemistry - a part of me was, still is, and always will be with him.